Monday, April 11, 2011

I Want My Children to Suffer

I was changing Peyton's diaper this morning and Hannah was on the bed making her Hannah noises and constantly asking for "green apple" which I didn't have and may not give her for along time (that's another post). Peyton was looking at Hannah with such attentiveness. She smiles at Hannah all the time. Hannah's her big sis...of course she will look up to her for a time. My first reaction when I see Peyton studying Hannah is to distract Peyton because I don't want her to learn from Hannah. I want to protect Peyton from the pain of being a sibling of a child that can sometimes be out of control, the pain that I know Abigail feels when Hannah won't play with her or the pain that Garrett feels when he is trying to tell me a story in the car but is constantly interrupted by screaming or when he has to endure mine and Steven's depression but not fully know why we are so burdened. Let's face it, when one child is "lost", we as parents are like the shepherd who leaves the 99 and goes to rescue the lost one. Even when I am engaging with the other children, I grieve for Hannah. But I do sense the Holy Spirit's speaking to my heart, "I have perfectly orchestrated the makeup of your family and I have a purpose for Garrett, Abigail, and Peyton as well" I believe that God in His perfect wisdom really does work all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I believe that our primary purpose really is to glorify God and enjoy him forever. My human heart wants to protect my children from every conceivable evil in the world. The heart that God has given me wants my children to suffer so that they may know Him. Suffering bring about compassion not pity, graciousness not mere tolerance, patience, humility, . If they don't suffer, will they need Him? Suffering brings out things that are already in our hearts but we might not know it...things like anger, pride, self-reliance (yes, self-reliance can be a bad thing sometimes...that's another post too!). Hannah's autism has debilitated us as parents at times...well, I shouldn't say Hannah's's really our inability as humans to be everything that we "should" be for all of our children. Our heavenly Father in His infinite wisdom knows our frame. He is pruning and shaping our children, our family, our friends into what He wants us to be. We can trust Him. If not for my belief that God is sovereign over everything and that He didn't just create us and leave us alone, then I would not be able to press on through the hard days...through the days when I want to look at everything that is wrong in the world...everything that is wrong in Hannah's world. I will forever press this into my children's can endure anything because of Him, the one who has every hair on our heads numbered...the one who directs the hearts of kings...the one who tell the sun when to rise .


  1. Monica, I am so encouraged by your faith and by seeing how God is working in your life and drawing you closer to Him. Please keep talking from your heart! I keep praying that one day Peyton will look up to Hannah as her big sister and learn great things from her and that they will all be the best of friends!
    Lots of love,

  2. Wow Monica - thank you for sharing your heart.