My Theology Will Not Prevent My Pain

This blog is going to reflect some of my heartfelt emotions, my anger, my despair, Hannah's triumphs, my joy, and of the blessings that I believe God will and has bestowed on our family. I was trying to express to well-meaning someone today our daily struggle and how it's an up and down battle. She said, well that's where your theology comes in. My belief that God is sovereign over and cares about every minute detail of this universe including my daily life comforts me immensely. My all-knowing, all-powerful, ever-present heavenly Father is in control and can and will do as He pleases for our good and His glory. Of course that comforts me. However, I am human. Furthermore, if my theology does not allow me to love, to feel, to bear my burdens, the burdens of my daughter, and the burdens of others then my theology is bogus. I cannot have a ministry to others if don't weep when they weep, rejoice when they rejoice. Jesus WEPT when he heard of Lazarus's death. Why didn't he just chastise everyone and callously walk over and do what He knew He was going to do, raise Lazarus from the dead? He wept! He felt the pain of losing a loved one. He wept with the ones whom he loved.

Hey, I'm not Jesus, that's for sure. But, isn't the Christian life one of suffering, struggle to do what we want to do but can't or won't, struggle to not do what we don't want to do but also really want to do? And the suffering...should I just callously walk through my day proclaiming God's sovereignty on everything and not allow myself to feel pain when I walk through the store and hear a Mom and daughter having a conversation about the daughter's day at school and her friends? Should I not allow myself to weep because I want that? I long to have that very same "trivial" conversation with my sweet Hannah. I want so bad for Hannah to stop picking her face and causing scars. I want so bad for her to read me a story instead of endlessly coloring shoebox tops. I want her to have friends. I long for this everyday. Do I sin in my longing? Yes and No. Yes, because sometimes I become obsessed with those temporal things. One day Hannah will have a glorified body. I know that. No, because I'm grieving and I don't believe I can be human and not grieve. I will not be one of those people who pretends to have it all together when I don't... you know, those people that you really can't talk to/trust because they don't really understand and their questions and comments are laced with judgment and fixisms (my made-up word) and ungraciousness. "Here Honey, let me fix your problem for you because you just need to be happy ya know"

I better stop before I start ranting... In the meantime, when I am struggling through my daily life with Hannah, I ask for grace from you. I ask that you allow me to struggle through my depression/despair, my sin of not trusting Him, my sin of anger toward Him, my Christian walk in a nutshell. You're not going to agree with everything I write in this blog. In fact, this blog will probably cause some of you to be prideful. If you can't handle the things that I will write, then please simply don't read it. I will not argue theology and I will likely not apologize for anything I write. These are my thoughts, not all of my thoughts because I won't be imprudent, but what I write will reflect what I am thinking or feeling at the moment that I write it.

In conclusion, I believe always that in my despair God is with me. When I fall down, I always get back up because of Him and His work in the body of Christ. I always come to the conclusion that He is good and I know that is only by His grace that I come to that conclusion. These beliefs will never change even if Hannah never gets better. I will always love and follow Christ.